A Letter to The Girl that Changed My Life Forever

.Reading time 7 minutes.

To the Girl that has changed my life forever…

My sweet baby girl, Aléssandra,

In just a short few days, daddy and I will be welcoming your baby brother.

It makes my heart feel heavy at times that it will no longer be just you and I, baby girl. That our time we have together (just the two of us) feels so short lived. Deep down I know that you and I will still have our girl time together and we will always share a special bond; as you and your brother will have a very special and unique bond as well.

I always knew that my purpose in life was to be a mom and I will never forget the day that I knew I was pregnant with you. You filled my soul with complete euphoria; a feeling that I knew was sacred and special. I had never been so in tune with myself physically and spiritually. Yes, I had my worries of loosing you through the pregnancy, as any mother does; but there was this calmness and peacefulness I had found because of you. Before I had even birthed you into this world, you had already changed me into the mom I always dreamed of. You taught me patience, forgiveness and grace. You gave my name meaning… I was no longer Katharine. I was mom. I was your mom. I loved being pregnant with you from start to end. You were and still are the easiest and most laid back baby ever. As you would grow and change along with me, you got to know my heart from the inside as I felt yours and I knew it was very special.

I think about how fast time flies and it’s so scary. You won’t know it or understand this till you have your kids; I feel as if that’s when the clock decides to speed up. I can’t tell you that I have any regrets or wishes to do things differently because I have indulged myself in every waking moment of you. I do wish that I had more time alone with you; that I could keep you this age forever, that your innocence remains untouched, that I could protect you in my arms everyday and that boobie made everything better for you always. I have been so blessed to have the time with you that I do and I know that it is selfish of me to want to slow time and stop you from blossoming. You were meant to soar high above the clouds and I never want to be the one that holds you back. I promise to always support and encourage your growth, to explore your curiosity and to feed your hunger of exploration.

Almost 17 months later, and I have watched you become so independent, gentle, nurturing and sweet. You are so social and loving. Now I’ll watch you grow into the role of a big sister and watch you build a beautiful relationship with your forever friend. You will make so many memories together, good and bad, and I couldn’t be more excited for you to have a sibling, let alone a baby brother.

As I look forward to the day we bring home your brother, I can’t help but remind you that YOU, baby girl, are my first born. You are the one that initially made me a mother. You saved my life in so many ways. You gave me the love that I never knew and taught me what unconditional love really means. I finally discovered what a healthy, loving bond should be between a mother and her child. Becoming selfless was easy for me in motherhood. I would give up everything just to give you everything . My whole life all I wanted was you, and I know God chose you to be my first born for a reason.

As I continue to treasure and preserve the last few days together, I have been trying my best to not focus on the guilt that I feel. Guilt that your brother will never know what it’s like to have me all to himself as you did with me. I won’t be able to split myself and still give 100% attention to him as I did with you. I am now a shared mommy…

Instead, I will forever be equally shared between my babies. I realize that he will have both of us instead, and we are a team. He will have a beautiful big sister to love him as well as mommy and daddy. He will have you to sing to him to sleep. You will hold his hands as he takes his first steps, talk to him when he’s fussy, and for all the love you will give him; I must say he is one lucky little guy.

I have never taken my time for granted with you and to others I may appear very selfish with you, but I will NEVER apologize for that. Aléssandra, I love you more that I can put words to. I may stare at you a little longer these next few days while you sleep, hold you extra tighter and longer, and kiss you frequently but that probably won’t even change once baby brother arrives. As you have changed my life, your brother will change it again, for the better. Making me an even stronger woman and mom that I hope you both admire and are proud of one day.

All my love, forever and always,

Mami

Surprise! Baby #2, Here We Go…

.Reading time 12 minutes.

Surprised? Shocked? Those words are understatements to how I felt and I’m sure how my husband felt when I cleverly surprised him with a Positive pee stick on November 23, 2019.

Before I delve into how baby number two came about, I believe in being honest with you guys if I am going to promote raw motherhood. That comes with raw, genuine feelings… Some of those feelings however may be unfavorable for people to read and may seem like I am ungrateful. That is the complete opposite of the reality of what those feelings really turned out to be. So, if you continue to read this, read without judgement and know that just like anybody else, I am human and I absolutely love being a mom and am beyond blessed to be pregnant and healthy with a baby boy.

2 weeks leading into November 23, 2019:

Wake up call was 5am, and that was my quite time before my busy day started with my 9 month old daughter. I would make my coffee and binge watch Game of Thrones while faithfully pumping 5-6 ounces of milk to store. The first pump of the morning was always so pleasurabe as any breastfeeding mama would understand. However, for about 2 weeks, I started to notice that my supply was slowly decreasing. To my knowledge I thought that I was just about to have a monthly visit from aunt flow. Usually, when you get your period and breastfeed, your supply goes down for a little but usually shoots back up; so like nothing, I didn’t pay much attention.

Saturday, November 23, 2019:

This year was different from all the others, it was my cousins 31st birthday and now she was having lunch with not just me but my daughter too! Of course the previous years were special too; Crazy partying followed by black out nights and funny stories in the morning. This year I met her down in Asbury Park and took her to lunch at a cozy little southern restaurant, Modines. I was so excited to get out of the house as well since my routine as a mom was pretty regular. I was also very much so looking forward to my adult juicy beverage I was anticipating and needed.

So here I was with my cousin and daughter, 2 gin gimlets in (which I never drink but craved the taste of) and a huge southern fried chicken and biscuit sandwich that I ate in its entirety. As we finished our lunch I had told my cousin about my milk depletion and that I had just read an article that says you COULD be pregnant as milk depletion is a sign. My cousin laughed and told me to pick up a test as we drove back to her apartment. I thought what a waste of money this was going to be, I knew for a fact I wasn’t pregnant. I mean I knew right away with Ale that I was pregnant, as in days after doing the dirty deed.

I decided to pee on the stick in my cousins apartment, she always brings me comfort and also in the small chance that it was positive, I had someone to breakdown to.

TEST ONE: POSITIVE

TEST TWO: POSITIVE

The feeling was heavy and intense. The emotions took me over, I could feel myself starting to sweat and shake. This could not be, it just couldn’t. I would buy another box of tests because I knew once I told Dave he would want me to pee on another to be sure it was positive. We both wanted a big family, four kids, but we definitely were not planning on another baby for another year or two.

As I drove home, I cried. This was a mixed cry of happy but scared, thankful but regretful, guilty but innocent.. Was I ready? I knew I wanted more kids but this was not the right time. I mean I dedicated everything I am and everything left of me to Ale. She deserved all my attention and love, how do I share that now? Was it too soon for her to have to share her parents? This is so selfish of me, I got pregnant and now my baby is not getting enough milk?!? The guilt is getting heavier. I know my heart is capable of loving and growing because I wanted more kids but I wasn’t ready to share my love yet. I was not ready to share Ale. She is everything I am and everything I have become. Because of her I grew more patience and learned acceptance. I learned a love I had never felt, given or known before. Was I hurting her emotionally if I had another baby right now? Would she hate me?

I wasn’t even healed from what I had just learned about my marriage. This now started to become a scary experience. Would this be like a horror movie I had once watched before, just waiting for the boogie man to jump out? Would my husband become overwhelmed again and leave me at such a vulnerable time. Would history repeat itself?

Financially, I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I was growing my lash business and I wanted my husband and I to be a bit more financially stable. We wanted to pay off some debts and save for our big move and house in Texas. Nothing was going as planned and the chaos felt like a heavy cloud of smoke that was choking me.

I couldn’t seem to find the joy in finding out that I was pregnant. Now to tell my husband…

I had just bought Ale her first elf on the shelf so what better way to surprise my husband that to set it up and let the elf spill the big secret.

My husband, holding our daughter, looked at the elf, shook his head in shock and breathed really heavy. He proceeded to put the baby down, sat on the recliner, got up and passed out cold on the floor. Tears flooded my eyes as I tried to talk to him, “Baby are you mad? What should we do? I’m really scared!” His response was exactly what I needed and suddenly started to take all the fears and doubts away…. “Babe, why would I be mad? I’m so happy that we are having another baby, I’m just in shock!” He got up quickly, wiped my tears and hugged me and told me to get it together (with the biggest smile) because we were having another baby. He was so excited to share the news with our closest friends and family, so he started face timing and making calls to everyone.

Fast forward a few weeks maybe even a month?

I’m not sure when my guilt started to subside, or when I started to feel my instant connection to my new baby in my belly but I forgave myself. I let my feelings ride out and I had accepted that what I was feeling was normal and that I was not wrong for them. I never disclosed these feelings with anyone in fear of judgement. I mean, I was never supposed to even get pregnant. Since I was 15, I was told I would have infertility issues, suffered severe endometriosis and ended up with three surgeries; one of which I almost lost my life. Of course I was thankful and knew I was blessed, I was just scared, felt guilty and the emotions were a lot to sort out.

Here I am at 27 weeks, in my third trimester, writing about this huge shocker… which let me just admit, I’m not sure why I was so shocked since my husband and I were doing the dirty quite often with no protection; so I mean what did we really think was going to happen?

I truly believe that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan. Perhaps I had lost my faith for a little and didn’t realize that this was part of his plan. I started to live by more faith and less fear. There is never a “right time” for a lot of things, one especially being a child but everything works out. Our team is evening out as we are expecting our baby boy, July 30,2020 (the day after my husbands birthday); coincidental or just proof that it was meant to be?!

I am grateful everyday for all the blessings in my life including those that are taking the time to read this. It is so important to me that I remain as raw and unfiltered about my life as a wife and mother as I can be. I hope that writing this makes other expecting moms who may have similar feelings to know that it is ok and to let these feelings ride out because they will. I’m looking forward to continuing to share my journey as a mom and wife with you all; good and bad!

Self Care While in Quarantine

.Reading time 10 minutes.

Right now, we are all going stir crazy. With not much to do at home or a lot to do at home, with kids or no kids, working from home or not, we all are finding our four walls to become an asylum. But why should we feel like we are locked up in our own homes instead of feeling like the paradise that we worked hard for and created, right?

After a week into our lockdown and my husband away for a few days, I was left to run our home with a 13 month old and two dogs, while being five months pregnant. While I am used to being home majority of the time, seeing that I only work part-time, with no husband around, this mommy never seemed to get a 15 minute break in her day. I found myself putting my baby in her jumper or play pen and taking five minutes to flush the toilet four times, and run the water on full blast while letting out some pretty heavy cries. I was overwhelmed and going crazy. I can’t say that it helped too much but it did almost feel like a quick pick me up.

I decided to make some adjustments to my days and schedule in some real me time outside of my momentary bathroom breakdowns. These are some self care ideas and essentials that I find to be soothing and nourishing to my mind and body. I have linked a few of my favorite essentials!

AT HOME SPA SHOWER: Instead of a basic shower, try setting a mood for yourself that helps put you at ease and relaxes you. For me, I light a few of my favorite candles with either vanilla, lemongrass or lavender scents. I usually go on a candle haul every month and raid Home Goods for a closet full of candles. https://www.nestfragrances.com/lemongrass-ginger-classic-candle Bath bombs are amazing even if you are taking a shower, try putting a Eucalyptus bath bomb in the shower with you. Not only does it help with your sinuses but inhaling eucalyptus can help to lower blood pressure, reduce stress and promote relaxation. https://www.amazon.com/Steamers-Handmade-Refugee-Employment-Eucalyptus-Tea/dp/B07XZHXWL8?ref_=ast_bbp_dp&th=1&psc=1 While in the shower I love to put on some relaxing music or even a pod cast. My usual go-to pod cast is “On Purpose with Jay Shetty.” Not only is his podcast uplifting, motivating and full of positive vibes but his voice is heavenly and tends to help me relax as well!

HOME FACIAL: Since time is of the essence for me, I like to maximize my time and throw on a face mask in the shower. Since the steam opens up the pores, I love putting on a good antioxidant face mask and letting all the goodness soak into my skin while washing my hair or shaving my legs. I am huge on skincare so a lot of the products that I use are costly but they tend to last me a long time and the results are amazing. One of my must have’s to recharge my skin when it’s looking dull especially from this weather is the Recharge Detox Mask from Rodan & Fields. https://www.rodanandfields.com/shop/recharge-detox-mask/p/RCDMF50 A little facial massage with a Jade Roller helps to rejuvenate your skin, promote circulation, reduce puffiness, wrinkles and tone your face all while relaxing you. https://www.amazon.com/Roller-Including-Massager-Natural-Deciniee/dp/B07GDL95WL/ref=sr_1_8?keywords=jade+roller&qid=1585442184&sr=8-8 Farsali Rose Gold Elixir Radiating 24K Gold Infused Moisturizer really helps to nourish my skin and make it glow. This is usually my finishing touch to my facial and I also use this when I am doing a full glam of makeup, resulting in a very dewy, radiant finish. https://www.farsali.com/products/rose-gold-elixir

YOGA/ HOME WORKOUT: Even before the pandemic, getting to the gym was challenging for me since I was either at work or didn’t have someone to watch the baby while I went and I personally was not a fan of the daycare our gym had. I do Prenatal Yoga every now and then to help out with my terrible Sciatica during pregnancy or to help relieve my growing belly pains. I usually like to get my yoga stretches in first thing in the morning or right before bed. This video is quick and straight to the point. https://youtu.be/B87FpWtkIKA. One of my personal favorite home workouts is from Move by Melissa. You can catch her workouts on her stories on instagram @melissamolinaro. She recently also posted a live Power Booty session which is currently my favorite since she too is pregnant. This workout is not strictly designed for pregnancy but can be done while pregnant. If you are looking for a tight, plump booty burn, than this is your video. https://www.fullouttv.com/programs/powerbooty1

NOURISHING SMOOTHIES: Feeling good on the outside is one part of self care but feeling refreshed and nourished on the inside is also super important. When we eat well and hydrate properly, we tend to feel healthier and energized. These small actions of self care can definitely lead us into a more positive mind set and help us utilize our days to the fullest. I have always loved making smoothies and I personally think it is one of the best ways of getting vegetables in and hiding them while still have something yummy to sip on. Most of the fruits and vegetables you can buy and freeze so that you don’t constantly run to the grocery store. Here is one of my favorite breakfast power smoothies I enjoy drinking to start my day. https://realandvibrant.com/power-breakfast-smoothie/

MINDLESS ACTIVITIES: It’s really important sometimes to do silly and fun things to release your mind of pressing issues or current stressors. Since I have a 13 month old, I enjoy playing with her and making her laugh. Typical mindless activities includes our everyday dance parties that we have. Putting on music can really help stimulate a positive mood and well dancing seems to just follow. Finger painting or coloring relaxes my mind, while I get to enjoy my time with my daughter, I also get to watch her creativity unfold (don’t stress the mess, using a high chair usually helps me keep the mess confined). Outside of my daughter, my husband and I love playing XBox together or watching one of our favorite shows or a movie. Times where I am by myself, I gravitate toward a home project, organizing, blogging, cooking, reading or zoning out to some of my favorite gossip TV shows like The Housewives of New Jersey or Vanderpump Rules.

While these are just a few Self Care recommendations, there are so many other things that we can do for ourselves. These are my typical “Go-To’s” when I need a pick me up or to feel a bit revived again and help keep my sanity through these tough times. Remember, self care helps to create a positive mind space and outlook for our everyday and for given circumstances. Let’s remember that “We are NOT STUCK at home, we are SAFE at home.” Use this time to spend with family or alone for self reflection, self care and to create some goals or projects you have been putting off.

Completely Naked

.Reading time 10 minutes.

I stood there completely bare, naked, just the three of us. This is not what I had pictured it would be like. This stranger had both my husband and myself completely naked and vulnerable. I mean every fiber of us was exposed. What was she thinking as she looked at both of us? Was she judging? Who was going to make the next move? I mean I obviously had never seen myself here before and I never saw it coming…

I bet your wondering about this filthy “threesome,” but before I get into it, let me explain some things. First off, I am sure that my relationship and myself will be judged and opinions will be out there. However I have accepted that but before you continue your thought process, finish reading this. Also, marriage is a trip! It’s not always a vacation or a honeymoon. For the longest time I have been wanting to blog about this upon many other topics. I desperately searched for people that I could reach out to so that I could feel human again and know that I was not alone out there. Not too many people talk about this and I get it but, I want to try and change the stigma that exists out there. Its such a hidden topic and most people find themselves hindered to talk about this topic due to embarrassment, shame, scrutiny, the list can go on and it’s all negative.

So now back to the nitty gritty…

I was at my most vulnerable state and while I watched my husband come undone, I fell apart more and more. Here we were, the three of us, in a warm, intimate room but was filled with darkness. My husband and I stood there staring at each other, as raw as could be with my therapist mediating what felt like the biggest death in my life. My husband had cheated…

Six months postpartum, my world completely shattered. I had caught my husband cheating. As I received parts of the whole truth in a matter of two weeks, I felt as if my life was/is (at the time) a lie. I had my suspicions all along and had questioned him plenty of times but he was quite good at manipulating my questions and turning the tables on me. At the time we were still seeing our therapist and he would even lie to her when the question of cheating was posed. I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around any of this. At times he was loving and doting and other times he was distant, cold and unreachable. While I was pregnant, my husband had up’ed his cheating game claiming that he had never felt so alone when I had gotten pregnant. This small wedge of distance that came between us had now became an ocean where we were hundreds of miles apart with no way of reaching one another. At the time I couldn’t think of continuing my marriage but also not being without him hurt equally as bad. We just had a little girl and to watch our marriage fall apart in front of her eyes hurt me even deeper.

Many people may begin to judge now and say that I should have walked away. I CHOSE to stay and FIGHT for my marriage as long as he TOO was willing to tell the truth no matter how bad it was going to hurt me and start FIGHTING for me and our daughter.

Within the two weeks of finding the gut wrenching details of everything, I laid the marriage I thought I once had to rest for good. It no longer existed; IF it ever did. The grieving process was identical to grieving the loss of a physical person. I had a lot of work to do. I reached out to so many people seeking comfort and what I found was that more often than spoken about, majority marriages suffer from infidelity and many take place within the first five years of having their first child. Now please understand that I AM NOT saying ALL marriages result in cheating or that having children lead to infidelity. What I am saying is that the more women that were married and moms, comforted me with their similar stories but also supported me and marriage. These women were some of the strongest that I had ever met. They were the village I needed to hold me up and cheer for my marriage. I was raised with a very different mentality when it came to infidelity, “once a cheater always a cheater; cut your losses.”

This was the hardest time that tested me and my character. I was learning to trust all over again and even figure out what that would look like for myself. I surrounded myself with people that supported me working on my marriage and fighting to keep my family together. I stayed away from the husband bashers as that was in NO WAY therapeutic or helped me heal.

I was hurt in so many ways. Hurt from what my husband had done and felt even worse that some of these girl knew about me and my child and still had relations with my husband. They were ruthless. And upon confronting some of them, they either denied it or told me that “I should learn to take care of my husband.”

Six months postpartum, I was learning to be a new mom, bury my marriage, envision a new one and work on it and figure out who I was now. It has taken me almost a year to recollect myself. I isolated myself, lost interest in almost everything and couldn’t even recognize who I was; I was lost. The ONLY thing I constantly got better at was being a mom. I never let what happened effect my time with my daughter or raising her. I had grown up like that and I was not about to do the same to her as the damage years later really catches up to you.

At exactly seven months later, my husband and I continue to work on our marriage everyday. We relearned each other, our love languages, our new roles and expectations of one another while being new parents. I have learned to take this nightmare and awaken anew. I was no longer the same Katharine. I was stronger, more vulnerable, sensitive and patient. I had learned that no matter how bad someone hurts you, they can NOT heal you. Only you can heal yourself. And while that seems like a daunting task, the journey is beautiful.

There are so many lessons that I could take away from this but what I will leave you with is that if you find yourself in a similar situation, you should not feel ashamed or embarrassed. This happens more that anyone leads you to believe and the good people to surround yourself with are the ones that support you and your decisions and help you make HEALTHY decision and not act on emotion. They say it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a nation to support a healthy, functioning marriage. No marriage is perfect but working through any turbulence in a marriage and learning from it and learning about yourself is probably one of the most rewarding journeys you will ever experience.

Getting Personal with “The Bearess”

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I hope that as you read this blog, it takes you away from whatever stressors you have today or your mundane routine that you obviously needed a break from (sorry you chose to read my blog instead of something more interesting.) I’m sure that some things that I will expose about myself or my life will entertain you or make you laugh while other things may cause you to cringe or make the ugh face. I stand firm on the things that I believe in but will not try to convince you of them and I will continue to be unapologetically me and give it to you raw.

So why “The Bearess of Bad News with a Makeover?” Simple, I’ll deliver some awful topics and experiences that no one likes to discuss and give you a spin on it which I consider the makeover. It’s almost like delivering the bad news and than smoothing it over with the good news (we all have a friend or know someone that does that).

I’m a habitual hot mess mommy of a one year old baby girl and five months pregnant to a boy. My husband is nine years younger than me (crowd cheering “cougar”) and is a work in progress with an old soul whom I absolutely love. I’m 34 years young and am a seasoned bullshitter to myself. They always say “fake it till you make it,” well no matter how bad things get, I always say it gets better which at times I even know is a total crock of shit. But hey if that’s what gets me through each day, than so be it. I’m sure we all have our own vice that gets us through our own self everyday. Aside from being a full-time stay at home mommy and housewife, I am a freelance makeup artist and a lash artist, mastering my skills in the beauty industry for over 15 years. Since having my first baby, I scaled back tremendously on work and focused on my family. Now I’m trying to get my groove back.

This blog is for people that want to feel like Carrie Bradshaw but live the life of Lucille Ball, for those that secretly hide in their closets and cry or curse into a pillow, the moms and dads that sit in the car in front of their house for 20 minutes deciding if they are ready for the chaos, for the ones that wanted to take a” Louieville Slugger to both headlights” of their partners car after finding out that they were cheated on and the moms that are looking to get their sexy back. Jay Shetty, one of the best motivational speakers ever (I think), is all about “Making Wisdom Go Viral.” Part of my blog is to motivate people and help be part of the movement to “make wisdom go viral” but I also want people in similar scenarios or experiences to not feel alone. I know I looked for people in similar situations or a person to look up to so that I could feel human again and connected to a similar community. It gave me hope that things would look up. After all, we all want to get through our own dilemmas and come out on top.

I’ll be talking about being a wife, mom life, beauty and booty. So get ready, because the Bearess is ready to get personal with you!